Memoirs of a Tomb Raider

 What is divine surrender? This is the question that came to me this morning during prayers.   I recently started saying morning prayers. I immediately start to judge myself for the word “prayer” as it is steeped in catholic connotation, for me, anyway. I have a strange relationship with God right now. More so, because of the thick layer of patriarchy that seems to come with that word.  But I pray. I say morning prayers to the divine. "Why?" You may ask. It does amazing things for the feelings of anxiety that come up for me. I am , well no, I was a control freak. Controlling things ( or attempting to anyway) around me, to feel safe.  Recently, with the ongoing hot mess of a political climate, and the ongoing pandemic, I have started to feel pretty powerless. That lead into a stint of, what I now see is depression. But never free, although depression sits at my morning table of feelings, it doesn’t contribute much to my life these days.  I started reading a ...

I am filled with apathy today.   Going from work, to kindle, to work, grasping at some form of joy. I suppose that is the human condition. Sitting down with a cup of tea, I picked up my Kindle and started reading “The Power is within you ” by Louise Hay. I found myself on Chapter 6 titled “letting feelings out”…..and the first line was ( drum roll please)  “Depression is anger turned inward”         I sat there dumbfounded at the spiritual message glaring me in the face. I had just stepped away from Googling depression symptoms, to really make sure, if I was depressed ( Why do I do this to myself?)(I think we all grasp for a name for our problems, maybe to help make findings the solution, some sort of hidden treasure.) Taken aback, I asked myself the question, Am I angry? Am I stuffing down my feelings?  Well…..yeah. In our current Covid/Political climate, I was angry ...

 10/6/20 I recently started listening to affirmations. Everyday. For about 6 hours, while I work. My bone conduction headphones make it feasible for me to still hear the ambient environment while my voice drolls on in the background “ All areas in my life and abundant and fulfilling” ( thank you Louise Hays).  I don’t know what I expect from doing this. Perhaps, help my brain be a little kinder to me. No, let me rephrase, to re-calibrate my own internal dialog. I am not a victim of my thoughts.Day 4 and I already feel better about myself and find, I am more open to putting my voice out there.  And of course to help drop those COVID pounds. Yesterday I was at 157. I am 5ft tall.5 feet short? Either way. That's a few extra pounds, and I have big dreams of doing pull ups in Tibet like Lara Croft.   Who knows,maybe the solution isn’t always complicated?And, don't I deserve to be happy? Louise Hay seems to think so.

https://medium.com/change-your-mind/practicing-radical-self-acceptance-1cf850f21277 I started today with this read. Because I always start my confusion with more research. This little read, mentions self compassion, and I about fell out of my chair. I had heard about this concept of self compassion. I had even practiced it a time or two.  Being their for myself, wasn't something I was comfortable or capable of doing in 2013.    I had to relate it to being their for myself, like my golden retriever. (I'm a sucker for animals and my golden retriever Willow, was an exceptional best friend) (Oona (left) and Willow (right)) She never judged me. She was always there by my side to support me, and she always loved me.  With this image and feeling, I  decided, Yes, I could do this. I could be there for myself and even throw a little compassion on it. It would take some learning, but I would rather try and fail than not try at all. 

I had to stay awake for the experience. I'm glad I did.I don't live a life I need to escape from,but I love new experience.  The nuts were warm in first class.  No joke.  And my ginger ale was served in an actual glass. I had 3 magazines to read from and remote for the TV which was only 1 foot away. It was luxury.  Did I mention the blanket? And the earbuds? And the warm hand towel,lightly scented with lemon? Who sleeps through that? Even if they have the room to actually stretch their legs,short though they may be.(My 6'4 husband leaned over and told me he was ruined for first class. I can't blame him. I loved all the room,and I didn't actually need it like he did) Anyways,I digress.  Radical self acceptance. Today,I learned how afraid of abandonment I am. Well, I always kind of knew,I just never really felt it so acutely when not in trigger mode. I could really feel this deep,subconscious fear,a fear which made no sense whatsoever ever in my curren...

As you may very well know,2019 was excruciatingly challenging. Today,the first day of 2020, I walk around the house,listless and curious about it.  I found my research and focus heading towards self acceptance vs. Self.discipline and ultimately how the two concepts bashed their heads against each other in my mind. I'm a driven person. I want to do everything,and I always have 3-4 goals I work on at all times of the day.  Ultimately,I find myself struggling to get organized. Struggling to understand my incessant need to create and recreate lists,goals,plans and focus on, what is really important to me. I stumbled upon these 2 articles  https://www.mindcoolness.com/blog/solving-the-problem-of-acceptance/ This one comes to the exact question I have had these last 2 years, https://www.mindcoolness.com/blog/alan-watts-discipline/ This one speaks to the difference between self discipline and self acceptance. Although the articles helped hone my question, the concept itself is s...