Memoirs of a Tomb Raider

 What is divine surrender? This is the question that came to me this morning during prayers.   I recently started saying morning prayers. I immediately start to judge myself for the word “prayer” as it is steeped in catholic connotation, for me, anyway. I have a strange relationship with God right now. More so, because of the thick layer of patriarchy that seems to come with that word.  But I pray. I say morning prayers to the divine. "Why?" You may ask. It does amazing things for the feelings of anxiety that come up for me. I am , well no, I was a control freak. Controlling things ( or attempting to anyway) around me, to feel safe.  Recently, with the ongoing hot mess of a political climate, and the ongoing pandemic, I have started to feel pretty powerless. That lead into a stint of, what I now see is depression. But never free, although depression sits at my morning table of feelings, it doesn’t contribute much to my life these days.  I started reading a book by *goes googl

I am filled with apathy today.   Going from work, to kindle, to work, grasping at some form of joy. I suppose that is the human condition. Sitting down with a cup of tea, I picked up my Kindle and started reading “The Power is within you ” by Louise Hay. I found myself on Chapter 6 titled “letting feelings out”…..and the first line was ( drum roll please)  “Depression is anger turned inward”         I sat there dumbfounded at the spiritual message glaring me in the face. I had just stepped away from Googling depression symptoms, to really make sure, if I was depressed ( Why do I do this to myself?)(I think we all grasp for a name for our problems, maybe to help make findings the solution, some sort of hidden treasure.) Taken aback, I asked myself the question, Am I angry? Am I stuffing down my feelings?  Well…..yeah. In our current Covid/Political climate, I was angry that people were being treated so

 10/6/20 I recently started listening to affirmations. Everyday. For about 6 hours, while I work. My bone conduction headphones make it feasible for me to still hear the ambient environment while my voice drolls on in the background “ All areas in my life and abundant and fulfilling” ( thank you Louise Hays).  I don’t know what I expect from doing this. Perhaps, help my brain be a little kinder to me. No, let me rephrase, to re-calibrate my own internal dialog. I am not a victim of my thoughts.Day 4 and I already feel better about myself and find, I am more open to putting my voice out there.  And of course to help drop those COVID pounds. Yesterday I was at 157. I am 5ft tall.5 feet short? Either way. That's a few extra pounds, and I have big dreams of doing pull ups in Tibet like Lara Croft.   Who knows,maybe the solution isn’t always complicated?And, don't I deserve to be happy? Louise Hay seems to think so.