Feeling Better through Divine Surrender

 What is divine surrender?

This is the question that came to me this morning during prayers. 

 I recently started saying morning prayers. I immediately start to judge myself for the word “prayer” as it is steeped in catholic connotation, for me, anyway. I have a strange relationship with God right now. More so, because of the thick layer of patriarchy that seems to come with that word. 

But I pray. I say morning prayers to the divine. "Why?" You may ask. It does amazing things for the feelings of anxiety that come up for me. I am , well no, I was a control freak. Controlling things ( or attempting to anyway) around me, to feel safe. 

Recently, with the ongoing hot mess of a political climate, and the ongoing pandemic, I have started to feel pretty powerless. That lead into a stint of, what I now see is depression. But never free, although depression sits at my morning table of feelings, it doesn’t contribute much to my life these days. 

I started reading a book by *goes googling*  “The Universe has your back” by Gabrielle Bernstein and  "Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead" by Tosha Silver. Both offer a new perspective on, well, faith and trust. 

I don’t judge it, it makes me feel loved and supported and it's better than anxiety and worry. I believe we can are all divinely guided if we choose. It has nothing to do with religion, just letting go of judgment.

I’m still figuring out what divine surrender is, in action, but in feeling, when I pray, I feel frisson in my body, from my head to my toes. Is this faith? It's faith to me.